milkypink [dot] net

So in typical spring/summer fashion, leaving the windows open has invited in the itty bitty insects.
I wonder if I’ll wake up with mosquito bites tomorrow…
I’m trying to keep a schedule of four lessons into mnemoyne per day, but that’s to varying degrees of success… I still have two to go for today, for example, and it’s pretty late already. I can finish in a little over three weeks and actually start memorizing things properly (although I’ve already remembered loads by inputting so much as it is, kind of crazy).
I did make the amazon.co.jp order I was contemplating before, with the addition of the K-ON! OP/ED singles because I never buy CDs anymore…
So, once kanji has been solidified, it’s on to grammar and test-specific-prep. If I had the time, I might aim for 2級 first to get experience but as it is I really need to shoot for the top before the changes are implemented. If I fail I’m only out the money & time to take the test, which is exactly what I’d be out taking 2級 anyway, and still be stuck trying to figure out how the hell to study for a test that hasn’t been sat yet.
I’ll probably attack parallel parking this weekend, at least a bit. No matter what ends up happening for the test, I have to know how to pp anyway so there’s no use in not practicing. I can three-point easily only because I did it about a hundred times so logically pp should be the same…
It’s not like I’m not smart, I just don’t put any effort into things. (years of public school that was too easy kind of trains you this way, somehow… ) So, if I just shut up and do it there’s no problem.
Randomly, I feel like practicing French again, but that’s a Bad Idea, let’s not mix languages…
not to mention all the Korean I keep exposing myself to.
So far I think I’ve picked up “hello” “thank you” “I’m sorry” “I love you” (although I knew that before… I know that in several languages, somehow…) and can tell when someone’s being polite or not… possibly. I couldn’t romanize any of those phrases, however, because korean romanization is bizarre and I don’t actually know how they’re written in hangul (which is something else that breaks my brain).
I can study random languages to my heart’s content once I get the JLPT out of the way… XD

I might spend this weekend parallel parking until I can do it in my sleep.
I have to stop overwhelming myself. I’m a good driver! I just need to be able to park and I can pass it and get my license. Then… I can go places alone.
Where I go… is another issue entirely.
Summer is my time, so I need to make the best of it!
If I can keep my heart stable like this, I can make some progress.

Let’s move forward, one step at a time!

So despite rain threatening this afternoon, I did end up driving to my parents’ house (for the purpose of cleaning out my old room) and back today, which is about 15-20 minutes each way, depending on the route and speed you take. Some relatively major roads were involved, and I reached 40mph for a short period on each trip. As ridiculous as it might sound to some of you reading this, that’s a decent step forward for me XD I may actually get my license before winter, but I wouldn’t bet on it just yet.
Despite how I’m feeling now (which is much more comfortable) I still maintain that at the time when I should have started driving originally (which is 16 in this state) I would not have been a very good, or very stable driver. It wouldn’t have been safe for me or anyone else on the road (this is not to say that everyone who passes the license test are good or stable drivers, but I can only make that decision for myself, so.) Yes, I probably could’ve been driving a year or two ago, but, well. Anyway the important thing is it’s happening now, and I will eventually have a car of my own to drive and take me places I want to go alone *shock*
Some things that initially scared me and things I think would have helped me to know/do as a new driver are:
- the car actually MOVES when you put it in drive. This is not something I had ever been aware of, and it was rather unsettling.
- starting out on a hill is not preferred. A large parking lot (empty of course) type area is best for getting used to turns, as well as starting and stopping. (I still think there should be practice courses for new drivers to test out, akin to go-cart areas, but for full size cars. As a required training exercise before you actually get on the road. I felt ill-prepared.)
- likewise, practice going back and forth between the brake/gas pedals is important, since you’re supposed to do it with only one foot. I’ve got it down now, but initially I really really wanted to use both, and it resulted in some physical lockup and mental stalling.

Okay so I’ve decided I reaaaaaaally need to learn how to drive before I completely lose my mind.
Not that driving in and of itself will solve anything, but it’s the gateway to not hating my life. I hope.
It may be too late, though. You make stupid choices, you get stupid results. This is the way of the world.
More and more often I wish I could go back to that night, and force myself to Not Act. To just breathe. To be calm, and to think about it. And to wait at least 24 hours.
And the whole course of my life from that point on would’ve changed.
It’s so unnerving to see things line up so precisely. So delicately. Just one small thing could’ve thrown off the balance. But nothing did. He, of course, I’m sure, sees it as fate. I see it as a series of Bad Choices. That only got worse. I didn’t accomplish what I knew I had to accomplish. That didn’t come until much later, and I’m still not there yet.
I am not deserving of this position and that’s not just self-deprecation. It is the truth.
I accept what’s happened to me as a result of choices I made. Or didn’t make, as you like. I see it clearly, more than I ever had for anything else before. And I see the steps for moving forward.
Driving is the first one. If I can succeed at that, the rest is easy by comparison.
(Seriously, I’m scared to death of driving.)