Like a protagonist in a Murakami novel…

milkypink — Tue, 19 May 2009 17:47:45 +0000

I think part of the reason I love Murakami novels so much is because frequently I find myself in the protagonist… even if it’s just small glimpses. Sure, being able to connect with characters is important in fiction – if there’s no connection, it’s difficult to bring the reader in, make them understand, make them feel, make them interested in what’s going on – but this is beyond that.
It became more and more obvious until South of the Border, West of the Sun basically hit me over the head with it.
But I don’t like how things turned out in that story.
Even though some of it has already happened.
But that story is not my story. My story is my own, and nothing is quite so clear.
It’s always interesting how in novels, people say they are so sure something was a mistake, or a wrong move, or that something was definitively so. How can you possibly know that? How can anything be so clear?
Even from a one-sided point of view, even if it isn’t really so, for someone to feel such strong conviction about events…
There are probably just two things in my life that I have such strong opinions on, one point in time, and one general decision.
That night, I should have stayed alone. If I managed that much, I don’t know what would have happened, but I know that’s what I should have done. If I could go back to that night, I would make sure I stayed alone. Without question.
Going to Japan was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Maybe I should have gone for longer, but the fact that I went at all changed me in a way I would never want to give up.
There’s actually a third thing, but it’s more difficult to explain, less easy to pin down in a way that makes sense in words.
But those two, those two ended up defining my life more than most people will ever know.
I’m naturally an introspective and obsessive thinker. I go over events, phrases, actions repeatedly in my head, and analyze them. It gives me perspective. When I try to use this perspective in my explanations, I’m sometimes told that the past is the past and you can’t change it.
No, I can’t. But that past has changed me, and by understanding it, I can understand myself, and perhaps avoid falling into the same traps again and again.
I can’t change the past, but I can shape the future.
To move forward, it’s not necessary to discard memories or to disregard past actions.

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Like a protagonist in a Murakami novel…