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My current open cdjapan order, in order of release date:

(2003/06/25) Katase Nana – TELEPATHY (okay so this is an old buy.. the rest are more recent XD)
(2008/11/05) Stereopony – Hitohira no Hanabira
(2008/11/19) capsule – More! More! More!
(2009/03/04) Naifu – One
(2009/04/15) OLIVIA – Sailing Free
(2009/06/17) Stereopony – Hydrangea ga Saiteiru
(2009/06/24) Kago Ai – No Hesitation (first press!)
(2009/07/08) Perfume – (as of yet untitled 3rd album)

previously Kago’s single was the furthest release date, but now it’s Perfume… if any more bands announce CD pre-orders before then I’ll be in trouble for sure….

Kanji progress is 進んでる so that’s good.
Watched some 名探偵コナン episodes I’d fallen behind on (but I already knew the story because I read the manga, too).
Made my heart hurt, reminded me of things I’m trying to ignore, but I don’t want to abandon the series because of that…
Watched some K-ON!, wanted to write lyrics.
Wrote lyrics.
Read old lyrics.
Read REALLY old lyrics written by C, dug up her lj out of curiosity – she looks familiar but so different now.
I’m on a flipped sleeping schedule now, and I’m not sure how or when it’ll get fixed. When it interferes with something I need to do, I guess.
Contemplating just staying up all day, although I don’t know if that will work out. There’s not enough going on to create the energy to keep going…. hmm….

I miss Tokyo.
Also Chiba.

I think part of the reason I love Murakami novels so much is because frequently I find myself in the protagonist… even if it’s just small glimpses. Sure, being able to connect with characters is important in fiction – if there’s no connection, it’s difficult to bring the reader in, make them understand, make them feel, make them interested in what’s going on – but this is beyond that.
It became more and more obvious until South of the Border, West of the Sun basically hit me over the head with it.
But I don’t like how things turned out in that story.
Even though some of it has already happened.
But that story is not my story. My story is my own, and nothing is quite so clear.
It’s always interesting how in novels, people say they are so sure something was a mistake, or a wrong move, or that something was definitively so. How can you possibly know that? How can anything be so clear?
Even from a one-sided point of view, even if it isn’t really so, for someone to feel such strong conviction about events…
There are probably just two things in my life that I have such strong opinions on, one point in time, and one general decision.
That night, I should have stayed alone. If I managed that much, I don’t know what would have happened, but I know that’s what I should have done. If I could go back to that night, I would make sure I stayed alone. Without question.
Going to Japan was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Maybe I should have gone for longer, but the fact that I went at all changed me in a way I would never want to give up.
There’s actually a third thing, but it’s more difficult to explain, less easy to pin down in a way that makes sense in words.
But those two, those two ended up defining my life more than most people will ever know.
I’m naturally an introspective and obsessive thinker. I go over events, phrases, actions repeatedly in my head, and analyze them. It gives me perspective. When I try to use this perspective in my explanations, I’m sometimes told that the past is the past and you can’t change it.
No, I can’t. But that past has changed me, and by understanding it, I can understand myself, and perhaps avoid falling into the same traps again and again.
I can’t change the past, but I can shape the future.
To move forward, it’s not necessary to discard memories or to disregard past actions.

Having performances this week is screwing up my study schedule. Well that and practically inhaling the Death Note manga in a span of two days. And now Bones (oh how I love Bones ♥, thank you M!)

Trying to do at least one lesson today before I sleep, but of course it’s a lesson with two pages of sentences (most only have one)…

Starting to feel daunted again about the whole JLPT thing. Don’t want to lose my nerve, trying to keep perspective.

Missing shopping in Japan a little, wondering what the summer will be like, hoping I can get back to Ishiki progress eventually.

Emptying my head onto paper helps, but it just isn’t enough in the long run.
Emptying my heart through the keyboard helps, but it just isn’t enough to express.
Feeling level makes me worry – that in and of itself is wrong.

Deep breaths, let’s concentrate.

Part of what I love about living is my ability to get carried away with things… frequently things that aren’t real. Worlds that don’t exist, people who have never breathed, scenarios that are so close but so far.
I can get deep inside these things and live and breathe them for days or weeks. Usually not much longer than that.
I love emotions. Well, most of them. Fear is one I try to avoid, and thus the horror genre doesn’t factor into my obsessions much. Fear is present enough in my life as it is.
To feel is to live. For some people, that phrase means physical pain. To me, it’s emotions. Call them electrical impulses, pick apart the minute workings of the brain and nerves if you must, but I don’t care. Feeling is living.
Not feeling is dying.
Or death, depending on how seriously we’re talking.

I believe you can strengthen feelings that already exist, but you can’t create them out of nowhere. No, there has to be a trigger.
Fiction is a great trigger. Music is a wonderful trigger. Nature works sometimes, too.

I feel like someone switched me On when I was 13 and from that point I was On all the time. It’s like really hearing for the first time, like seeing for the first time, like touch – overwhelming and crushing.
If you’re On all the time, it’s hard to live. You’re a live wire, sensitive to every word, every glance, even if they don’t hold meaning. When people play with your feelings, it cuts deeply. You trust people you shouldn’t, you say things you should never say, and you throw yourself out there in an attempt to find something solid.
Being On all the time makes you crazy. Or maybe you can only be On all the time if you are already crazy.
Either way, the end result is the same. Insanity. Instability. The complete lack of any kind of rationality.

There is no emergency brake at those times. Just speeding along as everything becomes a blur.

The thrill is extreme, but your body can only endure so much.

Instability breeds bizarre solutions. Breeds mind-games within the Self, and traps. Self-preservation. Inability to be honest, because to be honest is a scary thing that is wanted and not wanted at the same time. Honesty is an obsession.

But traps are not really a brake, they don’t stop the flow, just how it’s perceived from the outside.

The idea of stopping feeling is almost as scary as continuing to feel. In this situation, the choice becomes, live, or be unable to live. Function, or fall apart. Self-preservation kicks in. Function it is, then. { After all, it’s not a problem if you can function, right? We learned that in psychology… }

The brake has been installed.

I can still get carried away, but it takes more to push me to the place where it’s pure emotion. But it’s okay, no matter how far I fall, I’ve got the brake now, right?

As long as I can reach the emergency brake…

and as long as I have the willpower to reach out for it.