milkypink [dot] net

Okay so I’ve decided I reaaaaaaally need to learn how to drive before I completely lose my mind.
Not that driving in and of itself will solve anything, but it’s the gateway to not hating my life. I hope.
It may be too late, though. You make stupid choices, you get stupid results. This is the way of the world.
More and more often I wish I could go back to that night, and force myself to Not Act. To just breathe. To be calm, and to think about it. And to wait at least 24 hours.
And the whole course of my life from that point on would’ve changed.
It’s so unnerving to see things line up so precisely. So delicately. Just one small thing could’ve thrown off the balance. But nothing did. He, of course, I’m sure, sees it as fate. I see it as a series of Bad Choices. That only got worse. I didn’t accomplish what I knew I had to accomplish. That didn’t come until much later, and I’m still not there yet.
I am not deserving of this position and that’s not just self-deprecation. It is the truth.
I accept what’s happened to me as a result of choices I made. Or didn’t make, as you like. I see it clearly, more than I ever had for anything else before. And I see the steps for moving forward.
Driving is the first one. If I can succeed at that, the rest is easy by comparison.
(Seriously, I’m scared to death of driving.)

It’s official. I. have. too. much. stuff.
I kind of want to take the “fuck it” approach and throw out nearly everything.
We know I can live without 80% of this stuff because I did – yeah okay I accumulated more stuff while I was in Japan but I wasn’t like in dire need of more than half of it!
I feel bad just chucking things that other people could use, but I’m just lazy enough to not want to deal with all the hoops you have to jump through to donate things (where’s a salvation army dumpster when you need one?!)
There are things I just have to keep, of course. My computers (duh), video game systems (entertainment is my sanity), books (well, the fiction ones. gotta find a way to get rid of these excess college texts…), I need some clothes anyway…. I’m not ready to let my dolls/stuffed animals go at this point and I’ve got them pretty well contained, anyway….
The point is, a downsizing needs to happen. Soon.
(And once I’ve done that, we’ll see where it leads me…)
Sometimes I think this House is too big for me. (And somehow, it’s still too small. Well, maybe it’s the town.)